Category Archives: Relationships

Angry? No, not me

anger

Do you ever???

  • Make light of real issues going on in your life?
  • Have people tell you that your humor is very sarcastic?
  • Find yourself in an argument and feel like you can’t contain yourself?  Like you’re going to explode?
  • Make people laugh?  Are the life of the party but inside you feel like running away?
  • Have people compliment how great your life is but you really hate it?
  • Let days, weeks or months pass by before you tell someone they upset you?
  • Find yourself being extremely judgmental?

These are some examples of what suppressed anger feels or looks like.  None of them mean that you have anger problems.  But a combination of them should bring to your awareness the fact that you ARE angry.

These also are the very same feelings someone may feel when they’re depressed.  Well, let me let you in on something.  Suppressed anger leads to depression.

Listen, don’t hold your anger in.  Manage it properly with daily exercise, by doing things that make you happy, by leaving the scene when you find yourself feeling out of control, and by just refusing to engage with that other person.

I know this is easier said than done, but seriously, no one else is responsible for what you do or what you feel.  Ouch.  I know.  You can’t control what someone else is going to do.  You can only control how you react to it.  So take control of your life.  Sometimes that may mean getting rid of that particular friendship or relationship.

I always say, “You only get one stab at this thing called life.  Man, enjoy it.”  What’s the point of living unhappy day in and day out?  Live your life.  Don’t let someone else dictate how you feel.  Be  happy.

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A lesson from Kanye West… REALLY!

Kanye Taylor Swift

Where should I start?  First of all let me just clarify that I am NOT giving a review of the MTV Music Video Awards.  However, all of us can benefit from the situation that occurred at the very beginning of the show.

Taylor Swift was delivering her acceptance speech on winning the Best Female Video award when all of a sudden Kanye West made his way on to the stage, snatched the microphone from Taylor Swift and told everyone that Beyonce’s video was the best.

Taylor Swift was speechless.  Beyonce didn’t know what to say.  She was shocked that Kanye would say that.

If you don’t know anything about Kanye West then let me tell you that he wasn’t lying when he titled his first CD ‘The College Dropout’.  This guy is so uneducated.  This is not the first time Kanye has given into his impulsive outbursts.  From talking nasty about George Bush to his outrageous rants after he wins or doesn’t win an award.  Kanye has just about said it all.  With a resume like his he should get an award for literally being “The Biggest Loser”.  That is just my opinion of course.

However, why were we all shocked when he did this?  It’s not like he hasn’t done it in the past…  And when I saw where he was seated this year at those awards, I wondered….  “Who the heck let Kanye sit so close to the stage knowing how impulsive and crazy he is?”  I was twittering the whole time and found that many people expected the same thing after seeing where he was seated.  

Which leads me to the lesson we can learn from this…  How many times are you disappointed or angry when someone does something to you that they’ve already done to you in the past?  Could it be your friend that never remembers your birthday?  Or how about a relative who never has enough money to pay their bills and always calls you to bail them out?  Perhaps your spouse always promises they’ll do this or that but when the rubber meets the road, they never do.  Do you have a babysitter who calls you right before you’re about to go on a date to tell you they can’t watch the kids anymore?  I recently spoke to someone who was upset that their kids drank juice over water.  What child is not going to drink juice over water if he has access to it?

How can you tell how someone will treat you in the future?  Look at how they’ve treated you in the past.  End of story.  You really shouldn’t even be disappointed or upset.  You should just have no expectations from that person or at least very little.  But that leads to another topic and that is…  Why do you keep yourself in that relationship?  Do you know how many people who were abused by their parents grow up, have children of their own and then send their kids over to grandma and grandpa only to find out that their children were also abused?  Why do we do this???

What Kanye did last night was no surprise to anyone.  They guy needs a high dose of chill pills.  But the point of my story today is that you shouldn’t be disappointed at things that you expect.  There is nothing wrong with looking at things for what they are.  If you are a germ freak, don’t have people over.  Don’t host a get together at your house and then get upset when you’re left with a load of dirty dishes to clean.  Let’s be clear about our expectations.  When you actually tell someone what you expect and they don’t follow through, talk to them about it and be careful the next time.  They do it again, and again and again???  What do you expect?  This is how they are.  Like it or cut the ties with them.  But don’t tell yourself…  “It will be different this time.”  Or “He’ll change.”  Or “They won’t do that again.”    Stop setting yourself up for disappointment.  Set boundaries and your expectations appropriately based on your past experience with that person.

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Why Ultimatums Never Work

UltimatumUltimatums RARELY work.  Why?  Because the person GIVING the ultimatum uses it to control the person receiving it. They want the other person to change their behavior but not for that person’s own good.  They want the other person to change their behavior for their own good.  So they no longer have to suffer…  So they no longer have to hurt…

Almost all of us can recall a time in our life when we gave someone an ultimatum.  The problem with ultimatums is that the person giving them, is usually not capable of following through with their “threat”.  “Stop this or else”!  Ultimatums stem from fear.  “If you don’t stop drinking I’m leaving you”!  The giver hopes the other person will change but in reality they’re pushing that person away.   An ultimatum is really saying, “Please change your behavior because I’m really hurting and I can’t live without you”.  Although the receiver does not hear these words exactly, they know that your threats are not  real at all, so they’re not motivated to change.  In fact, they may be motivated to engage more in the behavior you want them to stop.   And in the end, ultimatums create resentment in the person being forced to change.

Ultimatums are certainly not “unconditional love”.  You’re not really accepting that other person for who they are.  I’m not saying the other person may not have crossed boundaries.  But there’s a CLEAR difference between setting clear boundaries and ultimatums.

I learned a sobering lesson the hard way…  Do you want someone to do something you forced them to do?  Or do you want someone to do something that came from their heart because they genuinely wanted to do it out of love and respect for you?  I think the latter is best.  Don’t you agree?

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